I haven't really been honest on here.
I wrote my past blog entries as if I was over everything; as if I was on the outside of emotional turmoil, looking back to it, learning lessons from it all after the dust settled. The truth is, the dust was still flying the whole time I was writing them. I say this now because the dust finally has settled, at least enough that I can see clearer now than I did before.
I am no saint. I often put all the blame on my former friends because it hurt less than admitting that I am the problem, but I am. And they were too. We shared blame in all the hurt that was dealt, and instead of trying to point fingers anymore, I just want to move forward now with the new insights that this experience has given me.
I've learned that it is easy to demonize anyone, no matter how close you think they are. I've learned that things that make you uncomfortable should not be ignored for the sake of keeping the peace. I've learned that if people repeatedly show you that your boundaries mean nothing to them, then they are not worth your time. I've learned that if people are willing to throw others away, they will not hesitate to throw you away too. I've learned that I have a big mouth and have trouble keeping things in, even if that means complete and utter alientation. I've learned that my gut feeling that I am an awful person is probably true. I've learned that I am likely sick in the head in a way that no normal person can help with.
In the future, I will be better about holding in my unsavoury parts. I'll be better at being my disgusting self in private, so my future friends don't see me for what I am, and maybe I'll get better in the process. Or maybe my future friends will hear me out when I say I just want a peaceful end to conflict. Who knows what way things will go? That's for the future to know.
I'm sure they have all moved on by now. I'm sure that for them a weight has been lifted. For a while, it felt like I was burdened with that weight now. Now, though, I'm starting to feel a bit more freed from it. I'm not totally over it, I think. But I'm starting to feel numb more than hurt, and that is progress, I think.