Blog Entry 7: Abandonment, and finding yourself afterwards

Written March 14th, 2024

This is Fontibelle Duvonne.

He is - was - my Dungeons & Dragons character.

Ever since he was young, he was neglected and abandoned by his family; the people he should have been protected and beloved by.

When I conceptualized him, I didn't see him in this way. I saw him as arrogant, selfish, snobbish; a spoiled rich boy who didn't know how to live in the real world. I wanted to play a shitty character who didn't deserve sympathy, who could turn to the dark side and become an antagonist. I thought that by, by making him a spoiled rich kid, I would be able to unapologetically play a pathetic and awful person.

He, as most characters do, got away from me.

I saw something within him that I saw in myself; hurt, and fear. I saw a lonely guy just trying to belong somewhere - anywhere. He clinged to the other player characters like a sad, lost puppy. He would whine and cry because he wasn't with them, or he was scared to do something, or he was uncomfortable speaking to someone. He was afraid, and for the most part, he was alone.

In hindsight, I created him to be a rich snob entirely because these friends saw that as the worst kind of person; I never once considered what I thought about that or what he should be. I just created him, saw his hidden depths, and fell in.

Similar to Fontibelle himself, his family ended up becoming much more complicated than I had ever intented, and I loved it. I loved everything we had going with Fontibelle and the Duvonnes. And I loved everything my fellow players were doing with their characters, and everything the DM was crafting for us. I loved it all.

Anyone who knows me by now probably knows that those friends that I played with, those friends who laughed with me and loved with me and shared their joy and creativity with me... I'm no longer friends with the majority of them.

It was not by choice. It was not something I wanted. And there was no big, explosive fight or anything that tore us apart. I was just silently removed, like a stray lock of hair.

Something that Fontibelle and I shared is that neither of us ever really felt like we belonged in the group.

I always felt like the "friends" I had put me on the bottom of their hierarchy. That there were certain people who were more important than others, and I was always at the bottom. Maybe it was my failed relationship with one of them -- maybe it was my Jewish identity making them uncomfortable. I'm not entirely sure. I doubt I'll ever know. I keep trying to blame myself for it but I know that I was going to stay silent for as long as it took for me to continue to be accepted; if I had not been confronted, I never would have spoken on it. Hell, even afterwards, I wanted to be included in the games at least. Can't we set our differences aside for just one game?

I wish Fontibelle didn't have to suffer for my own lost friendship. He was finally trusting himself and others -- finally finding some sort of belonging in his life. Sure, his family was splintered, but at least he has his friends. He deserves better than the state we left him at.

The good thing about D&D characters is that we can keep them long after we finish playing them. Garbage, my first D&D character, is still a warm memory for me because he ended his story in a way that I loved. He was happy, he was free, he had a family to call his own, and he could protect his family. Garbage left the story with a completed character arc. But Fontibelle didn't get that chance... yet.

I'm going to play Fontibelle again one day. I don't know when or where, but I will. I'm not giving up on him. Even if the once-happy memories hurt now, I still hold how Fontibelle has grown with me close. I'm going to do everything I can to bring his story to life one day. He deserves that much.