It's funny how much we put up with in pursuit of friendship.
For years, I ignored my instincts and told myself over and over that "my friends are fine, I'm the one with a problem." I consistently undersold my own hurt regardless of what I was going through or what I was being put through, all in pursuit of a friendship that never once felt equal.
Today, I went out with my boyfriend and his friend and just spent a day with them. We explored so many different places together, and ate together, and played games, and watched shows, and I found myself thinking "oh. This is what it's supposed to feel like."
A consistent thing I have noticed about my old friend group was how often I shelved my worries for a later date.
I would be hurt or saddened by something a friend did or said, and instead of speaking up, I just put that worry away, somewhere deep in my heart, and just decided I would deal with it later. I realize now that it's because every time I did speak up, I was debated with, talked down to, or just generally told "no, you're wrong to feel that way." I apologized for many things I don't think I needed to in hindsight, but it was the right thing to do then.
But now, going out with people who were just happy to have me there, who were just eager to have my presence in their life with no strings attached, who never tried to make me feel smaller or ice me out without even saying anything to me about it... I realize just how much I shouldered before.
I never felt like I could really be myself around my old friends. Like I was always playing the part of someone else. I never felt whole. For a long time after they ditched me, I blamed myself. I told myself, "if I was just a better friend, none of this would have happened. If I had just shut my mouth, none of this would matter, and it would blow over." But honestly? I wasn't even the one to ask for this. I was happy to keep my mouth shut until I was cornered and interrogated. And I don't want to be friends with the kinds of people that will corner me and demand answers for something I'm not even involved in.
I want to be friends with the kinds of people who will take me out to have a fun day just because they like me.
If my old friends ever try to contact me, I'm just going to block them. I'm going to remove them from every part of my life. I'm done being at the bottom of a food chain. I just want to be an equal for once.
And now, I finally do feel like one.